Becoming the Rogue
by Maerrie
Summary: AU- the events of the movie
1. Default Chapter

Title: Becoming The Rogue

Author: Märrie (mariezimmermann@aol.com)

Summary: I suck with summaries. Long story and AU too. Sorry, if I mutilated 

the characters. So, ahem it´s the initial meeting of Logan and Rogue and the 

following events with a little twist.

Rating: umm self-mutilation, suicide attempt, murder and mental rape. But 

otherwise I´d say PG?

Disclaimer: I don´t own the X-men. I know that, I´m studying law. So come on 

sue me, might be a nice practice for a change.

Feedback: Yes please.

Special thank you: To my betas, Evamaria and Karen. I owe you this story. All 

my love!

Author´s Notes: I should be writing an expertise about § 20 of the 

constitution. Sigh, that would guarantee me a grant. Why don´t I get points 

for doing cute graphics? Hm? Why?

This is a weird combination of a mutated bunny Lateo once set free, staring 

at my (comic) Wolverine and Rogue Desktop pic and reading to much lyrics by 

the wonderful angsty Ann Bishop. 

Highly influenced by Marillion, Bon Jovi (huh) and R.H.C.Peppers.

indicates a remembered conversation

And I see myself in the morning sun

And I know I´ll be dead when the day is done

And I see myself like a warrior run

And I know I´ll be killed when the new day comes

[Prayer for salvation/Ann Bishop]

1. A Role to Play

"What the hell gave you that idea?" The dark haired mutant named Logan stared unbelievingly at the woman blocking his way. A soft breeze blew her hair into her face and she impatiently smoothed the streaks back. The weather was warm for an afternoon in spring, but she was covered from head to toe in black. Her pale face seemed as if it hadn't seen the sun for months.

"I... um... I... met this girl..." she stuttered "Woman. I meant woman..." His face held only anger and a little confusion at her remark, still no suspicion. This had gone according to plan cheered the Rogue inwardly. 

Logan still glared at her expectantly: "And?"

She glared back and decided silently that if his attitude was comparable to his fighting abilities she had found the right candidate for her purpose and managed to say in her best confused tone: 

"She um... told me you were the best. And where to find you." 

The hazel stare was beginning to unnerve her. He was indeed a little scary, but the file at Xavier´s had shown that the Wolverine had gained the best score ever achieved in a Danger Room session. As a plus he never joined the X-men nor the Brotherhood. The psychological profile had spoken of violent tendencies and a very basic code of honor. And Jean's medical research about his phenomenal healing factor had been enlightening.

"Her name?" His focus had remained on her though he had started to unload a few boxes from his camper. Probably smuggled booze for the bar across the street. She wondered briefly if it contained whiskey or vodka.

Suddenly an impatient: "I'm waiting!" broke through her train of thought. Think quickly, he won´t give you a second chance, girly.

"She didn't tell me ...she was drunk." In conjunction with her little lie she used the innocent southern girl smile, which had even worked on Erik a bit. Well, it had worked fine until the X-men had tried to rescue her. After that she had two more men in her head. Erik and Scott had met David up there and again foreign personalities and memories mingled with her own. 

She had been transformed into a schizophrenic at eighteen. Declared a forever-gloved freak at nineteen. And at twenty turned into a prey for the escaped Erik from those she loved and once trusted. That might have been the turning point. And for now the Rogue had a mission. She would never allow anything like that again. She would simply disappear from their field of vision.

"O.K." He didn't believe her one bit, but her fake act of sweetness had soothed his alerted senses. The slight frown on his temples ceased and his stiff back seemed to relax. He had stopped unloading and was staring at her, probably waiting for her to continue. The file had been incomplete though. She caught her breath feeling more than seeing a slight smirk on his face. It had not told her that he was in a tousled-hair-and-well-worn-jeans-way sexy. Too bad, that her mission would stand between them. She concentrated on the gravel beneath her feet to clear her thoughts.

"I met her at a bar. In Laughlin City. She told me you were heading to Fort Good Hope, following the fight circuit." She congratulated herself on telling him at least one tiny bit of truth. After their little chat the drunken blonde had wanted to compare notes on Logan's abilities but Rogue had declined. She was interested in his whereabouts and fighting, not in his ...um.. more charming abilities.

"And she said you have to be the best fighter in Canada." Well, that she had already known. The file had told her everything about his fighting abilities: enhanced senses, healing factor, a metal skeleton and an unknown paramilitary background as a bonus. No memories, except those of the last twenty one years. No contacts with Xavier for nearly six years. No strings. No wasted ethics. His last encounter with the X-men had ended rather unpleasantly if the protocol wasn't falsified. _Fuck ideals, Chuck. I'm not interested in joining your little mutie brigade. If the war is coming I´m taking my own side, not somebody else´s._ While studying the files Kitty had stolen for her, the Wolverine had been her favorite because of this little display. The voice recorded had sounded secure and determined and she decided within an instant whom to ask for help. For someone who had been "fucked over by idealism" his lack of interest in the good cause had been refreshing. Of course Kitty and Jubes had been reluctant at her choice, but she knew that he was the only one who could teach her how to be on the run properly. And she needed to run badly.

He snorted: "I am the best, darlin´." For a moment she wondered if she had any resemblance to his fight groupies, though she seriously doubted that. The endearment had probably slipped due to habit. No, she was sure that she looked more on the exotic side of attractive for him, just to begin with she wore a lot more clothes than his women. And she had stared often enough longingly into a mirror to become acquainted with the facts. Long sleeved and gloved didn´t add up to vixen.

"That's the reason I want you. I can pay you, I've got lots of money." That was if he accepted American Express. She knew that he had enough money to cope for the next twenty years, but her role demanded that she couldn't possibly know that. This role wasn't the Rogue. She wasn't "her" yet anyway, but she would become this woman. Marie needed protection. _There is nothing left to discuss Scott. I guess I´d rather die than fade away some more._

"I don´t give no fight lessons. Never have. I already told you no." His voice was not overly heated, but sounded determined as he turned and headed with one of the boxes to the bar without a backward glance at the woman leaning against his camper in the parking lot. If he had turned he would have been surprised. The white-streaked woman named Rogue wasn't exactly disappointed, she grinned like a Cheshire cat. The first mission had gone like she planned it. Absorbing Eric's manipulative mind had had its advantages. The big guy would never know what hit him...

Rogue waited patiently for three hours in a small diner just across the street until it was getting dark. Thanks to the fact that it was March, six o'clock meant already relative darkeness. She had calculated that the Wolverine would be fighting by this time and his camper without guard. So she strolled from the diner back to the parking lot and to the camper. Both hands stuffed into her long leather coat, her duffle bag firmly on her shoulder. The parking lot was vacant, all the good citizens had long left this part of the city and only a few trucks blocked her way to Logan's camper. 

Though the camper was unlocked she had no intention in hiding there. Logan's senses would need some time to recover from the endless beating he would take through the cage fights, but he would still smell her invading his personal space. The camper was off. But connected to the camper was a small trailer, covered with a blanket. He wouldn't get her scent within the first miles and by then he wouldn't throw her out. And then she would play awhile the vulnerable southern belle needing a hero. When her training was finished she would give him the lead Xavier had found. But before that he would have to fulfill her plan. She was quite sure everything would go like she planned it. That was if she hadn't interpreted his psychological profile wrong. But she was tired and life was risky anyway. She climbed in and tugged the blanket over her head. Time to get some much needed sleep.


	2. Dusting off Delusion

****

2 Dusting off Delusion

Rogue awoke from the blinding brightness of a flashlight directed into her face and a harsh voice:

"Out." Oh-oh, busted! Logan had finally caught her scent. And he wasn´t pleased to find her in his trailer. No ma´am, the look on his face was homicidal. She blinked into the light and stretched her muscles carefully. He repeated himself as if he thought she was a little dense: " Get Out."

Rogue peeked over the edge just to be grabbed and firmly put on the road. Damned, he was strong. His luck that her skin was covered. Angry at herself for not getting a word out while he had picked her up like an overgrown rabbit, she yelled: "And where am I supposed to go to?" He took her duffel bag out of the trailer and dropped it onto the road. 

"Dunno." Answered Logan bored, waving into the general direction of the road. Then he turned on his heels toward the driver's cabin. She simply couldn´t believe it. He had thrown her out. This was not going like she planned it. She had to do something or she would be stranded in the empty wilderness of Canada.

"What? You don´t know, or you just don´t care?" she tried to provoke him. He gave her a look while climbing into the camper and paused.

A slight grin appeared on his face and he shrugged nonchalantly: "Pick one." And with that he closed the door. Shit, he was ruining her clever plan. Time to lose all dignity and bare the truth.

Knowing about his sensitive hearing she improvised and used Xavier´s stolen secret to prevent him from starting the motor: "Hey Logan, let´s make a deal, O.K.? You get information about your past and I get a ride and fight lessons." 

He was out of his camper, before she could even blink, pressing her forcefully into the camper´s side. 

"Who the fuck are you?" she couldn´t lift her head to meet his eyes this time, but the feral snarl in his voice indicated that it was definitely time to tell the truth. That and the three adamantium claws piercing into her throat.

"Name´s Rogue. I´m a mutant, too. My power is energy absorption through skin contact, so I´d be delighted if you would stop to press into me, Logan." The last bit was slightly ironic, but she couldn´t stand human proximity. This was a road leading to dangerous accidents.

He kept the claws close to her throat, but took her advice and flinched a bit backwards. "Why do you know my name?" 

She couldn´t still her heartbeat regardless how often she told herself that Logan wouldn´t kill her. Breath Rogue, she told herself. By then she made the mistake of meeting his eyes. Oh Jeez, the hazel eyes were coalblack and she had the unpleasant feeling to be caught by a predator. That demanded an immediate answer.

"I lived with both the Brotherhood and the X-men..." She trailed off, not sure how he´d react to that relatively true piece of information.

"Wrong answer. I can smell the lie on you." His tone told her that she had only one second to put the information right or he´ll...

"Spit it." She could feel him coming closer again and in a desperate attempt to keep him at bay she banged her body into the metal of the car behind her. Kitty´s power would have been most welcome right now.

"I... " 

The claws seemed to scratch on her skin, cutting slowly deeper: "I´m waiting."

"I stole your file at Xavier´s Institute. And it contained everything about you, plus a lead to your past. But you have to teach me how to fight to get the information." Rogue heard him swearing and moved her gloved hands between her throat and the claws. 

He laughed at her: "Well darlin´, you´re not exactly in the position to dictate the rules."

"You won´t get me to spill it" Rogue let her hands glide into the blades until she drew blood. The pain dulled her for a moment, but she had to make a point, otherwise he won´t believe her.

Logan gasped and a growl vibrated through him: "Fuck, stop that!" Rogue ignored him and drew more blood.

"Do we agree on the deal?" her voice was cold yet questioning, while her blood dripped slowly on the gravel. Her gloves were ruined, but she couldn´t care less, she would buy a new pair.

"How do I know that this lead is real?" Logan didn´t retreat, pressing his claws into her hands and stared at her.

It was her turn to laugh at him: "Who told me he could smell a lie? And besides I´m not that desperate to get you." Well that was a lie, but she would not beg. She would never beg again_. "Please. Please don´t. No, don´t touch me! Please." _

"Desperate enough to draw your own blood" he answered. How could he be so insanely calm?

"Well Logan, if you don´t want..."

"Didn´t say that. What exactly do you want to learn?" he replied cutting her short.

"I want to learn how to vanish completely. How to fight without using my mutation." she paused briefly, "How to kill." She would rather kill than be touched by anybody. "So, basically I want to learn how to survive without leaving trails." God, she had him! He would agree, she could see it in his eyes. There was something akin to recognition flickering through his eyes and she was lost. The unguarded stare hit her like a weapon; it felt so familiar to drown in the hazel depths. There was a stretch of silence. Then he nodded.

"O.K., I could teach you a few things, but if Xavier wants to search for you, he can use that damned mind machine of his. Can´t hide from that." he retracted his claws from her bleeding hands and they snapped back into his hands.

Rogue watched with a mixture of amazement and fear his skin healing: "Don´t worry. He can´t read me. Too many voices for poor Charles." She remembered stopping his attempts to get into her head. _ "I´m afraid I can´t help you my dear. There are too many different personality layers around your own voice."---"Professor please!"--- "I´m so sorry, but it´s impossible."_ Unvoluntarily her bleeding hand reached for his: "Does it hurt when they come out?" Her blood stained the place between his knuckles.

His eyes were serious, holding an unspoken question: "Every time." The moment passed in an instant and both agreed on their deal. Without further comment Logan took Rogue´s duffel bag and walked to the driver's cabin. She followed.

__


	3. Laying down the guns

3 Laying Down the Guns

Rogue sat silently, her head leaned against the window, her eyes firmly shut. It was pitch black outside and Logan tried to break every natural speed limit for a camper. She knew she couldn´t fool Logan into believing that she was actually sleeping, he knew her too well by now, but she needed time to collect herself before he would question her. The first time he had ever started his very own version of twenty questions; she had gained a first hand experience of reverse psychology and rhetoric strategies. It had been awful, but if she had told him the whole story back on their first weeks of traveling together, he wouldn´t have believed her. And now? 

His clenching and unclenching jaw indicated his barely controlled anger. With a stolen glance she could not even estimate his state of mind. He hated surprises. And that they had the determined Brotherhood on their trail was a surprise. To him anyway. Rogue sighed and stretched her weary muscles. Her whole body hurt and she was still afraid to check her shoulder where Sabretooth had torn into her flesh. It hurt. She should think about the answers she would give Logan, as soon as he decided to ask. The strangled silence between them reminded her of the early days, when they had just met. 

Those first days had been so stressful, both of them had been on their toes and guarded around each other. The critical moment had been, when her cut fingers had stuck to her gloves and she couldn´t loosen them--- he had helped her without fussing about it, cleaned them with alcohol and held her while she sobbed. And then, after she finally had given in and provided the piece of information leading to Logan´s past, the routine had begun._ "Your file at Xavier´s contained directions to an abandoned military base at Alkali Lake." --- "Why didn´t he tell me about that, when he tried to recruit me?" --- "He found the information about your past too late, you'd already left him. And he couldn´t contact you, because he can´t identify you telepathically. Too much feral elements on your conscience surface."--- "How long did he know about the base?"--- "For three years. Maybe a little more. I´m ... um I´m sorry."_

On their way to Alkali Lake they had settled into a strange education procedure. The mornings were spent with physical training, to build up both her condition and her combat skills. She had trained before, but Logan was something like a wildcard and his methods were unlike Scott´s. There were no controlled fight simulations. No, the freezing cold mornings in vacant fields were spent practicing attack and defense. For the first week she had been too bruised to accompany him on their rare shopping trips. But she had learned fast to avoid getting bruised. There were no rules for the fighting, just cause and effect. And damned, did she loath with passion the hide and seek trips through dewy forests. That had to be her least favourite period. But without her now almost instinctual responses to someone sneaking up behind her, she wouldn´t have stood a chance against Sabretooth without using her mutation._ "Rogue, why don´t you suck the energy out of your opponent? Might be easier as fighting someone twice your weight." --- "I don´t get just the life energy, Logan. Thanks to my mutie trick I was the resident schizophrenic back at the mansion. Whenever I touch I get everything: memories, feelings, character traits, whatever mutant power they have,--- literally everything. They are like voices in my head."_

But the routine had not ended there. They had also used the long drives farther north to broaden her tactical skills. Each day had been a lesson in survival. Logan had taught her how to clean a rifle, a pistol, and a gun. How to steal a car. How to delete any traces her existence created. She had learnt to gather the information, because he tended to talk out of the blue. And he never repeated a single word. Her evenings were spent in bars watching Logan fight. And fighting her own fights, because she didn´t appreciate men trying to rough-handle her. At first Logan cut in and told the customers that they should not touch what was his, but lately she had answered each taunt with an answer of her own. The regulars respected her. She had felt comfortable with the men of the fight circuit, even gained a reputation as being the Mate of the Wolverine, the only woman up to the speed of the fierce fighter. Not that they crossed the lines of their deal. Everything between them was strictly business. And if she told herself that one more time she would start to believe it.

She had grown to like Logan. She had even started to like the training sessions. Hell, this had been all her life for about two and a half months. And she had been content, safe, almost happy. Until today, when Sabretooth had found them and in his stupidity launched an attack against them. _They had just left the bar and she joked with Logan about one of the fight groupies who had challenged Rogue into a Cage fight for women. The bar had cheered at the prospect of seeing Wolverine´s Mate, as she was commonly referred to, fight. She had fought in a class of her own, using everything she learnt, from Scott´s training, from Erik´s memories and from Logan´s lessons. And she had been intoxicated from her own speed, from the way each spin and pun directly hit, as if the other woman was just target practise, not a moving person. The Rogue had been declared the winner after seven minutes and for the first time, Logan had been almost content with her fight performance. Of course he had sniggered about her lousy timing, but when they left the bar, his gloved hand had hold of her bare one. Her blood stained gloves already rested in a bin; she hated drying cloth on her fingers. And she had wondered for the thousandth time, why they hadn´t met earlier. Why he had to meet Rogue, not Marie. _

This had been her last thought before she was hit by an enormous punch and flew back against the door. From there she had had a perfect view of the upcoming event. They had started with circling each other, growling. The Wolverine had popped his claws and threatened in low tones: "Is this your best Victor? Your best better get a helluva lot fucking better or you´re gonna feel a helluva lot worse..." Sabretooth had snarled in response, itching for a fight. But instead of following his base instincts he had told his opponent why exactly he challenged him this time: "Wolverine, I´m here for business. I want the girly. She screams so beautifully..." the last part was aimed at her and Rogue had felt a familiar rising of fear, the familiar rising of a woman named Marie. 

"Never again!" she screamed at Sabretooth, showing him her bare hands, while shoving Logan back and taking his place.

"You´d never do that, girly..." the beast crept closer, his stinking breath forcing her backwards. 

"Wolverine, get the camper!" Logan stared furiously at both of them, but did as she demanded and while Rogue´s bared skin hindered Sabretooth to come any closer, it didn´t held him from threatening her: "You think he will come an´ get you? He won´t... You´re just a little piece of action to keep him entertained while he´s at this dive. Ya mean nothing to him, little slut. He probably fucked you for charity. Are you listening?" No, she hadn´t listened. She had prayed to all the forces above to let Logan hurry--- and when he had arrived she had run for her life to the opened door, not stopping when she felt Sabretooth claws tearing her flesh. Logan hadn´t talked to her since then.

She sighed. Obviously Logan wanted to wait her out, so she had to do something:

"We need to talk."


	4. Misery likes Company

4 Misery likes Company

Rogue sat straight, not minding her hurt back and looked directly into Logan´s face. She was afraid of what would come next. 

"Yeah, first thing is that we have to dye out your white streaks. They make you recognizable." His voice was even and that made Rogue shudder.

"What?"

"I knew that he was following you."

"What?"

"Victor Creed, or Sabretooth if you like that name more." He sounded as if they were discussing the rules for the next round of sparring. His voice cool and leaving no room for discussion.

"What?" She couldn´t remember other existing words. Her feelings were far beyond any words.

"Short span of attention you´ve got there, eh? But that should be expected after absorbing old Mags and Scooter."

"What?" She had never told him that she absorbed a tiny bit of Cyclops when he carried her from the statue. How could he possibly know? How?

"I said that we have to dye your hair 'cause it´s too exotic. Try to listen. And a cut would be good too." A still friendly voice answered.

"No the other part." Rogue was starting to feel threatened... What did he know?

"I contacted one of my informants and had him check on you, Rogue. He stole your file from Xavier, so that I knew who I was dealing with." Logan grinned. 

"When?" Rogue couldn´t believe what was happening. She should have known that he contacted someone; hell she had been constantly glued to his side! How could she have missed that?

"I got your file on our second day." He paused and gave her a raised eyebrow. "Remy is the best damned thief I ever had the pleasure to meet. And you didn´t believe for a second that I trusted your word without a background check?"

Well, yes she had read his psychological profile, this little display shouldn´t surprise her. 

"You knew about the lead, too?" Her words seemed to be remote from her, a pathetic expression of anger.

Logan growled. If she interpreted this correctly it was the amused you-are-entertaining-growl. By now she could probably write a book about Logan´s growls and how to interpret them. She might call it "Growls, Grunts and Purrs-A guide to save your life from predators like the Wolverine." A hysterical giggle escaped her throat, but his next words sobered her quickly:

"Of course."

"But why did you keep me? For entertainment? To sell me to Magneto?" Rogue became hysterical and rational thought was the last thing on her mind for the moment. She would not listen to him. He would only try to justify his actions and she wasn´t interested in that. This was like all the cruel jokes life played on her.

He was like them.

Exactly like them.

He was betraying her.

Everyone betrayed her.

How could she trust somebody after the happenings at the mansion? How could she be so stupid? She needed to run. 

"Stop it!! No!"

The next second she wriggled fast out of the safety-belt, opened the door and flung herself out of the moving camper. For a moment she felt herself flying through the air. The cold winds brushing around her lifting and twirling her above. It was so beautiful seeing and feeling nothing but freedom. That could be her final exit.

Then something went wrong and she remembered that she would fall. She landed on her face and felt her spine break. She heard a solid thud as her bones broke, but it didn´t hurt. This was freedom. No more running for her. Then everything went black.


	5. Verge of Indecision

5 Verge of Indecision

It started like a tingling in the back of her head, a buzzing becoming stronger and stronger. Like a faint calling of her name, reaching through the times and dimensions, pulling her backwards into life. Pain shivered on her mind, feeding conscious thoughts. The black curtain draped over her senses was slowly replaced by the first thought: there was a taste of blood and some pressure on her lips. And then her eyes snapped open again.

Somebody was kissing her. Providing her with life energy, with the barest contact of lips. Tenderness, warmth crept into her cold flesh and she heard her own pulse quickening within her. But this was wrong. She should by all means be dead. Why couldn´t she die? She knew the answer before the question manifested itself.

Logan. 

And when realization struck her she began struggling against his dead grip on her body. His thoughts started to pour coherently into her. Like always her mind opened a channel to absorb everything and she could hear him think. _"Rogue"_

The eye of the emotional storm he forced inside her was his determination to save what was his. When he finally became weak, she shoved him from her, breaking the contact of their lips and thus the connection between them, swearing profoundly at his lifeless body on the road. 

"Why the fuck couldn´t you let it end?"

"Why Logan, why?"

Well of course he wouldn´t answer, he was unconscious. But the questions and confusing new influences, which hammered through Rogue´s head, made her furious. And then her thoughts hit a brickwall-- He must have loved her, just a little bit, but he must have loved her to prevent her from dying. And as scaring as the thought was, it helped her to realize a few things: 

One, Logan would stay unconscious for quite some time, even with his healing abilities.

Two, she had to get them on the road again, before Mystique or worse Sabretooth would be able to locate them. 

And three, maybe she loved him too. This led immediately to a new task, she had to gain temporary control over her inner circus or they would both be doomed. She concentrated and prepared herself for the upcoming struggle. Lowering herself on the road next to the heavily bruised Logan, Rogue waited. It had never been easy to communicate with the personality transferred through an absorption. But her mental cleaning met no resistance. Surprisingly there was only silence. Pure refreshing silence.

She laughed softly. She should have known.

Sitting up she registered that everything around her had changed. There were millions of soft sounds coming from the forest, millions of smells in the wind, the night was bright and she saw the camper close by in vivid detail and above all, she heard the strong heartbeat of the man lying next to her. Logan. Without effort she lifted his limp form into her arms and carried him to the camper. He had left the door open, his keys still in the ignition. Carefully Rogue placed Logan in the passenger seat, securing his body with the seat belt. That had been a constant argument between them and she knew he would lose the thing as soon as he woke. 

Part of her wanted to leave him right there and then, but the Rogue, the person she always wanted to be uncaring, cared. So she ignited the motor and drove further north heading for Alkali Lake, their old destination.


	6. Snakes on Graves

6 Snakes on Graves

They drove for hours, him comatose and healing and Rogue too numb to think. It became night again and day and night and day and she lost track of time. The energy she had gained through the absorption gave her strength and the loss of sleep was easily overcome with the remains of the healing factor. There were occasionally needs to eat or drink, which she satisfied with beef jerky, from the camper´s glove compartment and some bottles of water Logan had bought as refreshments for their sparring sessions. Whenever she drank, she forced some water into Logan. She tried it with food too, but it didn´t work, so she hoped that his healing factor would kick in soon, to prevent any serious damage.

As time went on Logan regained consciousness. It happened faster then she could blink. He stirred, opened his eyes and blurted out:

"Rogue, are you O.K.?" As if he never stopped thinking of her while he struggled back to life. His eyes swept over the dark-clad woman and Rogue could see the sorrow in his eyes when she didn´t answer directly. She smiled. For the first time since Logan had brought her back from death.

"As good as new, but..." her voice was shaking and hoarse as if she never used it before. 

"God Rogue, stop drivin´. You look like shit!" 

She was so relieved to hear his voice that she never realized the tears streaming silently down her cheeks. Of course she stopped, but before he could scold her some more she climbed over on his seat, holding him tight. She sat probably for an hour on his lap, listened to his reasoning why she should never- ever try to fuck with fate again, but all she heard was his agitated voice. All she felt was the gentle stroking of her hair. And she drowned in his presence, even if he told her he would gut her personally if she wouldn´t stop using him as her personal handkerchief, she didn´t care. He was back in her life.

"We´ve got to rest." Logan lifted her chin. "You haven´t slept for awhile, or?"

Rogue closed her eyes and sighed. "I got you inside me, I don´t need sleep anymore."

"Never said that. And I´m quite sure my healing is wearing off." Out of the corner of her eye she saw him taking her sight in. He was clearly worried. Risking a glance at the rearview mirror, she became aware exactly why.

Staring back at her was a strange woman, thin, skin a shade of grey, hair wild and eyes like any drunk she ever saw. Her clothes were crumpled, filthy and torn, where she hit the ground two days ago. Hasn´t everything happened two days ago? Or three? She couldn´t remember. Her gloves were blood stained and god she smelled like Sabretooth himself. No wonder Logan looked so shocked. But hey, he could use a good shave and fresh clothes, too. 

"Any towns coming up?" Logan opened the passenger door and walked out, carrying her with him. 

"What are you doing? Put me down, you´re still hurt!" Rogue forced her tired body out of his arms. Well, she tried to, but while she scrambled Logan threw her over his shoulder, patting on her butt "Darlin´ I hate to repeat myself, so where´s the next town?" 

"Put me down!" God, the screaming seemed to drain the powers she possessed and she sobbed angrily, hitting Logan´s solid back with her gloved fist.

"No darlin`. If you drive we´ll end up wrapped around the next tree. I´ll drive and you sleep in the back..." Logan climbed with her to their sleeping bags and put her carefully down. "You took great care of me, but right now you wouldn´t be able to walk a straight line. So, sleep--" Rogue propped herself onto one elbow and stared accusingly at him.

"Rogue listen. I´m not arguing with you on that one. We´re both weak and I promise that I'll stop driving when we come to the next motel-- we´ll take a room and sleep awhile. O.K.?"

"O.K."


	7. Swimming in the Sand

7 Swimming in the Sand

The motel manger stared weary at Logan while he handed him the keys. Of course they had to pay in advance, but the fact that Logan carried only cash with him wasn´t exactly pacifying the man. His mistrust was almost tangible. She wasn´t sure if he thought that they were a filthy couple of bank robbers or worse, but she didn´t care. And while Logan dragged her upstairs, her mind relished in the murmuring warmth of the motel. Everything vibrated with rosy darkness from the evening sun. She was so tired. Rogue was glad that they had made it up to the motel room before she collapsed. 

The dam she had so carefully created to hold the new influences at bay was breaking and each shudder through her body drained more energy from her. Her body bucked and writhed as she could feel all her inner personalities seize her new habitant. Inner-Erik feared him as a rival; inner-Scott was silent as ever around him and inner-David was simply frightened. But there was something she couldn't quite understand, her own inner-voice started to rear her head, gaining strength with every new character trait reshaping the Rogue. _The problem with her gained personalities is that she has no allies in there. She's too formable and that gives Magneto inside her such power.--- What's with Scott?--- There isn't enough of him to give her a good foundation to build her own personality on._

"Oww" she moaned softly, body rolled into a ball on the stained carpet and both hands firmly on her head. Great, another person to fight with. Hundreds of different memories digging into her, changing and transforming her whole personality without stopping. It hurt like hell, but it wasn't as bad as dying. She had been through this before. Just a few minutes and Rogue would gain control over her inner circus. Just as she thought banging her head against a wall might be an acceptable change, Logan appeared in her field of vision, frowning. "Hey kid, everything alright? You don´t look too good..."

She felt exasperation form inside her, emerging with something like a deep growl. "Idiot. How would you feel with somebody foreign inside your head, eh?" The raised eyebrow added nicely to the show.

He watched her little imitation with amazement, blinking.

Rogue sighed: "I'm fine, just sorting through."

He crouched beside her on the floor: "I'm sorry." 

Rogue managed her body into a sitting position, leaning against a wall: "Don´t be silly, if it weren't for your touch I would be dead by now. And that's an experience I'm not too fond of." She smiled brightly despite her hurting head. There was no need for Logan having a guilt trip. She had used him, literally sucked him dry and forced him into this situation. 

"Come on big guy, give me hug. I can use one to end this damned shaking." She heard her own teeth chatter and hoped that the adjusting period would end soon. With Erik it had been a year.

He complied and hugged her trembling form, stroking through her hair. Very carefully and of course leather wasn´t skin, but it still felt so good that Rogue arched into his touch. Nobody had willingly touched her for a long time. This felt too good, was her last thought before she slipped into sleep.

__

Opening her eyes she saw that they have to be high above a city. An ocean of blinking and mixing lights swirls beneath her feet and she feels nauseated. She is afraid of heights. She starts to shiver, to tremble violently because she fears what is coming. The fireworks start.

Why doesn't somebody help her? Why? There have to be people hearing her screams... Hearing her call that she is cuffed to this strange machine. 

Her screams stop. He is coming, calling her child and martyr, but she can see the truth in his eyes. He is enjoying the fact that he is in control. That he can do this to her.

Please.

Please don´t.

No, don´t touch me!

Please.

Her begging is effortless. His hands are crawling over her skin forcing himself into her mind. It hurts. God it hurts so much. She doesn't want him inside her head. But she can feel him reaching into her. Slowly mixing into her own personality. Trying to break her control. No! This isn't happening. This is rape. He's forcing his way through her marking every inch of her spirit with his ideals, his beliefs and his cold determination. He's gaining center stage in her mind--

---she can´t stop him---["Rogue?"]

__

---can´t stop him---["Hey darlin´, you're awake?"]

__

---can´t stop him---["Rogue, wake up!"]

__

---it's all her fault---["Wake the fuck up!"]

__

---nooooo!

She awoke with a start, eyes wide open, and still not snapping out of the screaming: "Nooooo!" She was in a motel room, kneeling on the floor. Someone was shaking her, and her cheek felt like it had been slapped recently. Where was she? Where? She blinked and felt sickness rising. Was Eric still with her? 

"Is he not here?" she asked in a small, frightened voice to stop the shaking.

"Rogue?" the shaking stopped abruptly and she was lifted against a strong chest.

"You had me worried for a minute, darlin´. You were screaming and kicking quite a bit." The male voice sounded amused and she heard a low grumbling. Carefully she eased out of the hug. It felt comfortable and familiar but she couldn't let somebody touch her. That was wrong. Bad things used to happen to those who touched her. She scrambled away.

"Hey Rogue, what's the matter?" she could see the owner of the voice, highlighted from the neon sights outside the window, a tall man, dark-haired. She remembered being with him for quite a while. Yes, he had to be the mutant from the files. The one she'd chosen.

"I'm Marie."

"Huh?" He was obviously confused.

"My name´s Marie."

"Rogue, that's not funny... I'm Logan, remember?" He kneeled closer to her and touched her cheek.

She tried a different approach: "I'm Marie, Rogue isn't awake yet." That caught him again off guard and he growled softly, one brow jumping up.

Marie laughed at his confused face: "She didn't tell you?"

He slowly nodded. 

The woman calling herself Marie smiled sadly: "Well, I'm one part of her personality. As long as Rogue is in control, we're dormant, but when she loses control, one of us rears up instead of her."

"And that's usually you?" Logan seemed a little skeptic.

"No, usually it's Erik." She saw his attitude changing slightly. "But something triggered my nightmare and here I am, sugar." A lonely tear rolled down her cheek. And Logan stroked softly through her hair, not saying a word.

"Don´t worry tomorrow I'm gone without a trace." She shuddered, seeing his hazel eyes still judging her.

"It´s okay," she slowly mouthed, adding silently, "I know I'm scary. I'm a freak. Go back to sleep. Rogue will gain control eventually. Don´t worry." Marie felt tired. She wasn´t used to talking anymore, she had even stopped listening nowadays. She wanted to be the Rogue. The one who protected herself.

"Want to tell me about it?" he asked kindly, ignoring her last statement.

She sighed fingering a white streak. "I dreamt about the statue. The day I got these, the day Erik kidnapped me and used me as a transformer for his little mutating machine."

"Erik, is that Magneto?" He kept stroking her, but she still held the distance between them.

She nodded. "The X-men tried to rescue me before he would touch me, but they failed." Her eyes unfocused and she was again in her dream, forgetting that there was somebody listening. "I was so high above New York. And there was so much light and motion, that I could drown myself in it. I've always loved the city´s lights. All this twinkling and this sparkling filling the darkness with life. I didn´t know then why I was cuffed to Erik´s machine. But when he started the final phase of his grand plan, he simply touched me. I begged..." She stopped rubbing her eyes, suddenly very shy: "It was like a mental rape. He forced all his thoughts into me. Everything. There was no regret within him. I was a tool. His tool, not a person. Just part of his great plan. And..." Marie broke off and choked. She felt a pull and lay in Logon's arms. Her resistance broke down and she sobbed muttering her mantra under her breath: "It was my fault, I should have tried harder. If I´ve already been Rogue, this wouldn´t have happened. I should have known how to defend myself better. It was my fault that he could touch me. I should have known when to run and when to hide. My fault..." 

Logan stirred and lifted her chin, his expression furious: "Whatever happened, it was not your fault. You got between their lines and both the Brotherhood and the X-men don´t care for those who happen to stumble into their little games. All they care for is the big Cause. It's not your damned fault... " His words made no difference for her. It was her fault. 

He kept talking to Marie in soothing tones, but the words didn´t matter. If only she'd known how to run, the nightmare wouldn´t have happened. 

Then he halted, shifting her, so that they were both on their knees. Her face was a pale mask in the early morning light and she could see dark circles underneath his eyes. The last days were taking their toll. 

"Running isn't exactly an answer, you know?"

She stared accusingly at him: "But it keeps people safe! It's a way to live!"

He responded gruffly: "Well, yeah, I mastered the art of running to fucking perfection, but it didn't help me none."

She sniffed and chuckled at the same time: "So what? Should I quit running?"

He laughed: "No, I didn't say that. It's a rare thing for people like us to live past their twentieth birthday without being caught or joining any organization. But I think you could give us a chance. Try to learn how to keep a low profile. Learn how to fight without using your mutation. Survive; try to live while you run. And stick with me. I'll take care of you."

She couldn't believe what she was hearing and wrapped all her uncertainty in one word: "Promise?"

"Yeah, I promise." he said and gently carried her to the bed. Hearing him murmur nonsense and being stroked Marie fell asleep.


End file.
